Thursday, May 17, 2012

I was hoping that having another mental breakdown would make me enlightened, but I don't think it worked.

I just read this. http://akiomatsumura.com/2012/04/682.html

The fear I feel right now after reading about the nuclear reactor situation in Japan is so great that I can’t even comprehend it. I’m just shaking uncontrollably while writing this and I honestly feel pretty happy. Not happy because we all might die, I don’t even know why I feel so happy. I’m fricken’ terrified. But perhaps the irony and utter eventual pointlessness of everything is hitting me in the face right now. Life goes on, the birds are chirping, I’m still awake at 5:35 AM, on my computer. I still have a script to finish and film. I still have a rock ballet to perform in in June. I’m still alive for now, and I have no choice but to keep going, and there’s nowhere I can go to escape my inevitable fate, no one who can make it better for me, no where to go, I’m stuck on earth; this is all I have, this is all anyone has. We probably messed it up. Even if we avoid this catastrophe I’m still going to die some day and I’m okay with that, but the fact that the end could hit us all in the face so soon is terrifying and hilarious at the same time. It’s the ultimate bad ending; the ultimate end; everyone dies, no one escapes, and it’s everyone’s fault and no one’s fault at the same time. It’s just...game over, the end, goodbye nice try next time maybe. 

I don’t even know how to process something like this. It’s just so...everyone talks about this but...we all knew we were going to die anyway so why does it make any difference? And why are we all so afraid and mean to each other? I don’t know, nothing matters, and yet we all go on and try so hard anyway. It’s like that Linkin Park song, except I see nothing mattering in a more positive light. Somehow it’s the ultimate truth; nothing matters so we might as well be nice to each other, as opposed to nothing matters so let’s continue killing each other. Just....nothing matters. It’s comforting really, and yet I don’t know what to do with it? What am I supposed to do about all this? There’s absolutely nothing I can do except keep living my life and loving it. Absolutely that is the only thing any of us can do and I think I’m going to start crying now. Just none of this makes sense to me and I find it so sad and hilarious at the same time, and I wouldn’t take anything back and I’ve loved every minute of whatever this existence has been. I sound like I’m saying goodbye because I could be but I know I have to keep going because that’s the only thing I can do. I just...somehow I feel grateful for everything that’s ever happened to me and I wouldn’t change anything. Life has been great, it really has. I just don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t really know anything right now, and I might never know anything because I might die, but I was going to die eventually so why does it matter? Why does it make a difference when I die or how I die? I should just be grateful that I was ever alive in the first place. I guess that’s all I can do is be grateful.

Life really is just a dream.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Oh I am so profound.

It's BLUUUUUUUE.

I don't really know why I have a blog. It seems like I never say what I want to say. Perhaps that's because I never know what I want to say.

I feel like everything is a joke, yet we spend so much of our time stressing out over the smallest things. Like this short film I still need to finish writing for my Creative Filmmaking class. I keep stressing out about it, when I should just be having fun with it. It's something I want to do anyway, so what's the big deal? Is it just because it's for a class? Maybe I feel like I have to make it perfect or something, which is probably true. I always feel like I have to make whatever I do a perfect masterpeice, but then I usually just end up stressing about it and sometimes it never gets done, like when I have to write a paper. But this isn't a paper, it's a script for a silly short film I want to do, so I should just do it.



I'm excited for the end of the world, if it ever comes. Not because I want the world to end, just because I find the concept hilarious. Everyone else will be freaking out and I'll just be sitting there laughing my ass off. Laughing because in the end nothing mattered. Nothing mattered at all.