I was hoping that having another mental breakdown would make me enlightened, but I don't think it worked.

I just read this. http://akiomatsumura.com/2012/04/682.html

The fear I feel right now after reading about the nuclear reactor situation in Japan is so great that I can’t even comprehend it. I’m just shaking uncontrollably while writing this and I honestly feel pretty happy. Not happy because we all might die, I don’t even know why I feel so happy. I’m fricken’ terrified. But perhaps the irony and utter eventual pointlessness of everything is hitting me in the face right now. Life goes on, the birds are chirping, I’m still awake at 5:35 AM, on my computer. I still have a script to finish and film. I still have a rock ballet to perform in in June. I’m still alive for now, and I have no choice but to keep going, and there’s nowhere I can go to escape my inevitable fate, no one who can make it better for me, no where to go, I’m stuck on earth; this is all I have, this is all anyone has. We probably messed it up. Even if we avoid this catastrophe I’m still going to die some day and I’m okay with that, but the fact that the end could hit us all in the face so soon is terrifying and hilarious at the same time. It’s the ultimate bad ending; the ultimate end; everyone dies, no one escapes, and it’s everyone’s fault and no one’s fault at the same time. It’s just...game over, the end, goodbye nice try next time maybe. 

I don’t even know how to process something like this. It’s just so...everyone talks about this but...we all knew we were going to die anyway so why does it make any difference? And why are we all so afraid and mean to each other? I don’t know, nothing matters, and yet we all go on and try so hard anyway. It’s like that Linkin Park song, except I see nothing mattering in a more positive light. Somehow it’s the ultimate truth; nothing matters so we might as well be nice to each other, as opposed to nothing matters so let’s continue killing each other. Just....nothing matters. It’s comforting really, and yet I don’t know what to do with it? What am I supposed to do about all this? There’s absolutely nothing I can do except keep living my life and loving it. Absolutely that is the only thing any of us can do and I think I’m going to start crying now. Just none of this makes sense to me and I find it so sad and hilarious at the same time, and I wouldn’t take anything back and I’ve loved every minute of whatever this existence has been. I sound like I’m saying goodbye because I could be but I know I have to keep going because that’s the only thing I can do. I just...somehow I feel grateful for everything that’s ever happened to me and I wouldn’t change anything. Life has been great, it really has. I just don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t really know anything right now, and I might never know anything because I might die, but I was going to die eventually so why does it matter? Why does it make a difference when I die or how I die? I should just be grateful that I was ever alive in the first place. I guess that’s all I can do is be grateful.

Life really is just a dream.

Oh I am so profound.

It's BLUUUUUUUE.

I don't really know why I have a blog. It seems like I never say what I want to say. Perhaps that's because I never know what I want to say.

I feel like everything is a joke, yet we spend so much of our time stressing out over the smallest things. Like this short film I still need to finish writing for my Creative Filmmaking class. I keep stressing out about it, when I should just be having fun with it. It's something I want to do anyway, so what's the big deal? Is it just because it's for a class? Maybe I feel like I have to make it perfect or something, which is probably true. I always feel like I have to make whatever I do a perfect masterpeice, but then I usually just end up stressing about it and sometimes it never gets done, like when I have to write a paper. But this isn't a paper, it's a script for a silly short film I want to do, so I should just do it.

I'm excited for the end of the world, if it ever comes. Not because I want the world to end, just because I find the concept hilarious. Everyone else will be freaking out and I'll just be sitting there laughing my ass off. Laughing because in the end nothing mattered. Nothing mattered at all.

Hearts of Space and soul-searching

hos.com Awesome music. Can't believe I only just discovered it tonight, thanks to the radio and my parents.

 I'm thinking of making a post about my past lives and my most recent death, but I don't know, is that stuff too personal? Esoteric stuff like that? But hey, the internet already owns my soul and I might as well just admit it instead of trying to delude myself into thinking there's such a thing as privacy in this day and age. So what's the big deal, eh? We might as well tell each other about our souls. I don't know, what do you think? Do demons read random peoples blogs? Should I hide all my secrets and weaknesses beneath an armor so strong no one can hear my heart beating, like every other excuse for a human does? We're almost like robots. Maybe no one else has a soul anyway, or maybe they've forgotten they have souls and wouldn't be able to relate to what I have to say.

Do you remember dying? It's not so bad, believe me. It's like the beginning and the end all at once, and sorrow and happiness and every emotion all mixed together. It's a great feeling actually, and we're all so afraid of it. Every beginning has an end and every end has a beginning, and it goes on and on and has been going on since the beginning of time or before then. We get so caught up in our lives that we forget there's more to it than that. There's time and space and everything in between and beyond. There's so much to learn and so much we don't know and that we'll never know and things we've never dreamed of. Is this making sense?

 Jokes on you; it doesn't matter. Nothing does. You worry too much.

I'm re-dying my hair right now.

Purple.

It's interesting; I didn't dye my hair for attention, I just dyed it in the beginning because I wanted to have pink hair. But it does get me a lot of attention. Not that I want it, in fact I don't really, but people come up to me and tell me they like my hair and I'm just like, "thanks!" I wonder what they think of me for real. Why is it that I idolize people with strange hair? Does it make them seem brave or just more unique? It hasn't made me more brave. Maybe it would if I let it, but I'm so used to shutting the world out and I'm so afraid of people. I love people, but they terrify me. The internet is much easier. Not that I'm a complete shut-in like I used to be. I have "real friends" that I see in "real life" as well. And I even ate lunch outside on the town square with my sister yesterday, so go me.



I like this picture of me rubbing my eye. It's kind of weird, I mean, I'm rubbing my eye. But it's a nice picture somehow and I like it.

It makes me sad when people act like they're your friend, but then ignore you. I mean, I ignore people a lot of the time, but not on purpose. There's a difference. There's a difference between falling out of touch for a while and then talking again, than hanging out/chatting online and then all of a sudden not doing either of those things. I could change this, I know, but this situation is weird. I'm not sure what to do. You know what I mean?

I wrote an essay about my mental breakdown I had back in December that I never told anyone about. I read it aloud in my writing class that I just finished. I didn't mean to cry, but I did. I suppose it was a good thing, though. People are always ashamed to cry, but I don't see what the big deal is. We all lie and tell ourselves we're tougher than we actually are. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would cry more often.

I need to be working on my fantasy story right now so I can send it in for my class and get credit for all the words I've written. I've been wanting to write this fantasy story for so long, and I wanted to work on it today but my brain has felt so fuzzy. I'm always so tired. If I could just dream forever...or get paid to dream, that would be nice. I slept in till 2pm today, it was Saturday, and my bed was way too comfortable. Maybe I need to take more cat naps, I don't know.


I've wasted so much of my time being sentimental. But I get sentimental thinking about all the time I've wasted being sentimental; like all the time I wasted in high school taking pictures of myself in Photobooth and lip syncing to Utada Hikaru. Here's a pic of me from 11th grade with my Zelda posters on my wall:




I really miss my long hair, so I'm growing it out. Right now it's just a bit below my shoulders.

I'm listening to Utada Hikaru right now in an unnecessary attempt to relive my late-night high school time-wasting. It's working pretty well. I should go wash this dye out of my hair; it's been on my head for almost 4 hours.

I love you.

In my mind, I slit my wrists to cull the frustration.

Some random song lyrics I just made up:

You love me but we're not,
not talking

Yeah you love me but we're not,
not, not, not

I like you but just not like that
boy

I like you but it's not that
easy

Chorus:
Let's forget our past I wanna
go back to the sta-art

I wanna meet you over the internet
again

I wanna hide my head on my shoulders and you
won't think that I'm awesome

I wanna meet you again and we'll be friends
real friends
and not this forced crap

-END RANDOM LYRICS-

HERPADERP

I really shouldn't jump to conclusions about certain situations. It just makes things awkward. >.>

I think we all tend to unconsciously make up stories in our head about situations in our lives and then we realize that we had it all wrong; that it was indeed just a story. But sometimes it's so hard to stop ourselves from doing that.

So this thing happened
and then this other thing happened
and I can't really explain it on the internet
even though no one reads this

Let's just say; I'm stuck in kind of an awkward situation with some people who's relationship with me shall go unnamed.

I'm sure you understand?

WHAT U DO??????

Well hellooooo there, 3:24am! How are you doing? Lovely? Well that's just splended.

I'm here to talk to you today about some things.

Um...........

First of all I shouldn't stay up this late.

And....really that's all I have the patience to write right now.

I realize why no one reads my blog now! It's because it sucks!

I LOVE YOU!!