I'm re-dying my hair right now.

Purple.

It's interesting; I didn't dye my hair for attention, I just dyed it in the beginning because I wanted to have pink hair. But it does get me a lot of attention. Not that I want it, in fact I don't really, but people come up to me and tell me they like my hair and I'm just like, "thanks!" I wonder what they think of me for real. Why is it that I idolize people with strange hair? Does it make them seem brave or just more unique? It hasn't made me more brave. Maybe it would if I let it, but I'm so used to shutting the world out and I'm so afraid of people. I love people, but they terrify me. The internet is much easier. Not that I'm a complete shut-in like I used to be. I have "real friends" that I see in "real life" as well. And I even ate lunch outside on the town square with my sister yesterday, so go me.



I like this picture of me rubbing my eye. It's kind of weird, I mean, I'm rubbing my eye. But it's a nice picture somehow and I like it.

It makes me sad when people act like they're your friend, but then ignore you. I mean, I ignore people a lot of the time, but not on purpose. There's a difference. There's a difference between falling out of touch for a while and then talking again, than hanging out/chatting online and then all of a sudden not doing either of those things. I could change this, I know, but this situation is weird. I'm not sure what to do. You know what I mean?

I wrote an essay about my mental breakdown I had back in December that I never told anyone about. I read it aloud in my writing class that I just finished. I didn't mean to cry, but I did. I suppose it was a good thing, though. People are always ashamed to cry, but I don't see what the big deal is. We all lie and tell ourselves we're tougher than we actually are. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would cry more often.

I need to be working on my fantasy story right now so I can send it in for my class and get credit for all the words I've written. I've been wanting to write this fantasy story for so long, and I wanted to work on it today but my brain has felt so fuzzy. I'm always so tired. If I could just dream forever...or get paid to dream, that would be nice. I slept in till 2pm today, it was Saturday, and my bed was way too comfortable. Maybe I need to take more cat naps, I don't know.


I've wasted so much of my time being sentimental. But I get sentimental thinking about all the time I've wasted being sentimental; like all the time I wasted in high school taking pictures of myself in Photobooth and lip syncing to Utada Hikaru. Here's a pic of me from 11th grade with my Zelda posters on my wall:




I really miss my long hair, so I'm growing it out. Right now it's just a bit below my shoulders.

I'm listening to Utada Hikaru right now in an unnecessary attempt to relive my late-night high school time-wasting. It's working pretty well. I should go wash this dye out of my hair; it's been on my head for almost 4 hours.

I love you.

Shhhhhh this isn't a Slenderblog...I think...

I told myself I was going to get to bed before 12am...but I just want to write about the dream I had last night. Well technically it was this morning, but whatever.

I don't usually dream about the Slender Man, but he was there this time and I thought it was interesting. There were two parts to this dream, and they were both unsettling. He was at the end of the first part. Or actually I guess they were two separate dreams with different plots...anyway I'll recount the one with Slendy first.

So as I said it was towards the end of the dream. I had been on the run from some negative entities--I remember a little girl who was a demon or a ghost or something. She looked similar to Alessa, which isn't surprising I guess. I don't know why these things were after me. They had caught up to me and I decided it was time to face them. I had two or three allies beside me; I don't know who they were but I know there was a guy on my left and a girl on my right. We were...on the outskirts of some sort of circle and there was a swirling vortex in the middle of it. Around us everything was foggy white, as well as the vortex. I'm pretty sure we defeated the demon girl or at least made her retreat.

Then out came Slendy.

He was different...a bit more Lovecraftian I suppose, with dozens of white, fleshy tentacles flailing about. His shape seemed to writhe and change and yet stay the same...it's hard to explain. I could feel myself go insane simply by looking at him. He started coming closer, slowly, hovering over the vortex. That's when the boy at my left told me to cover my eyes; that he would take care of the Slender Man and everything would be okay if I just kept my eyes shut. That was the hardest thing. Keeping your eyes shut is the last thing you want to do when there's a supernatural tentacled monstrosity heading your way. For some reason though, if I looked at Slendy it only made things worse; he got stronger somehow. So I shut my eyes tight, covered them with my hands, and trusted that somehow this boy knew what he was doing.

And that's all I remember.

The other dream also dealt with negative entities. I was in a slum/worn down part of town that has shown up in my dreams several times, along with an old brick apartment building that has made an appearance at least twice now. For some reason my dad and my younger sister and I were exploring this apartment building. I think we were looking for a bathroom or something. We went upstairs. A youngish lady in her late 20s or early 30s lived in an apartment up there. We soon found out that that apartment was severely haunted and that the woman who lived there was possessed. I hated that place; I was so scared. Weird things happened there--lights flickered on and off or just didn't work at all, things moved in the kitchen by themselves...and a strong atmosphere of dark hatred pervaded the walls. The woman was crazy, she had a horrible temper and would yell random things at us. I don't know why we stayed there so long or why we were there in the first place. Eventually I came back with my weird spiritual friend, Devala, so he could tell me exactly why the place was so horrible. Thankfully he was able to exorcise the apartment and the woman who lived there. The woman was finally happy and rational again and she threw a party with streamers and cake and lots of stuffed animals. I still hated being in that apartment though. I guess I hadn't forgiven it for scaring me. ...It was a really weird dream.

So yeah, I watched Vampire Hunter D last night. It wasn't scary but I guess it still caused me to have bad dreams? :P Idk.

A collection of nonsense

I stare at the blank screen and wonder; will this be poetry?
If I try to make it be poetry will it be poetry?
Maybe I
need to
do this formatting thing
like this.
But does that make it poetry?
Lines all broken up?
I’m only fooling myself.
I wasn’t...
Perhaps I wasn’t meant to be a poet.
But maybe I want to be.

---

We know everything and you know nothing. We know what life is about, while you sit there and complain about how your life has no meaning. Do something, you fool. Life happens wherever you are, just do something.

---

What is that? What was it? Your face, but I can’t remember. And you were so kind, but you were dating that other girl. I wanted to play video games with you. Why am I so stupid in dreams? Of course you didn’t care. I never even saw your face.

---

I forgot this was a co-ed bathroom. Wait, how did I get here?

A tall jock walks by, drying his platinum-blonde hair with an equally white towel. He stops.

“Hey, be careful there, little lady,” he says condescendingly, amused.

“What, are you afraid I might beat you up?” I’ll punch his lights out.

He just laughs and walks away.

---

Pocky at 1am. Chocolate-y goodness. But I wish it were minty because it’s so hot in here. Thank god for spellcheck. “Loner” rhymes with “boner.”