Hearts of Space and soul-searching

hos.com Awesome music. Can't believe I only just discovered it tonight, thanks to the radio and my parents.

 I'm thinking of making a post about my past lives and my most recent death, but I don't know, is that stuff too personal? Esoteric stuff like that? But hey, the internet already owns my soul and I might as well just admit it instead of trying to delude myself into thinking there's such a thing as privacy in this day and age. So what's the big deal, eh? We might as well tell each other about our souls. I don't know, what do you think? Do demons read random peoples blogs? Should I hide all my secrets and weaknesses beneath an armor so strong no one can hear my heart beating, like every other excuse for a human does? We're almost like robots. Maybe no one else has a soul anyway, or maybe they've forgotten they have souls and wouldn't be able to relate to what I have to say.

Do you remember dying? It's not so bad, believe me. It's like the beginning and the end all at once, and sorrow and happiness and every emotion all mixed together. It's a great feeling actually, and we're all so afraid of it. Every beginning has an end and every end has a beginning, and it goes on and on and has been going on since the beginning of time or before then. We get so caught up in our lives that we forget there's more to it than that. There's time and space and everything in between and beyond. There's so much to learn and so much we don't know and that we'll never know and things we've never dreamed of. Is this making sense?

 Jokes on you; it doesn't matter. Nothing does. You worry too much.

I'm re-dying my hair right now.

Purple.

It's interesting; I didn't dye my hair for attention, I just dyed it in the beginning because I wanted to have pink hair. But it does get me a lot of attention. Not that I want it, in fact I don't really, but people come up to me and tell me they like my hair and I'm just like, "thanks!" I wonder what they think of me for real. Why is it that I idolize people with strange hair? Does it make them seem brave or just more unique? It hasn't made me more brave. Maybe it would if I let it, but I'm so used to shutting the world out and I'm so afraid of people. I love people, but they terrify me. The internet is much easier. Not that I'm a complete shut-in like I used to be. I have "real friends" that I see in "real life" as well. And I even ate lunch outside on the town square with my sister yesterday, so go me.



I like this picture of me rubbing my eye. It's kind of weird, I mean, I'm rubbing my eye. But it's a nice picture somehow and I like it.

It makes me sad when people act like they're your friend, but then ignore you. I mean, I ignore people a lot of the time, but not on purpose. There's a difference. There's a difference between falling out of touch for a while and then talking again, than hanging out/chatting online and then all of a sudden not doing either of those things. I could change this, I know, but this situation is weird. I'm not sure what to do. You know what I mean?

I wrote an essay about my mental breakdown I had back in December that I never told anyone about. I read it aloud in my writing class that I just finished. I didn't mean to cry, but I did. I suppose it was a good thing, though. People are always ashamed to cry, but I don't see what the big deal is. We all lie and tell ourselves we're tougher than we actually are. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would cry more often.

I need to be working on my fantasy story right now so I can send it in for my class and get credit for all the words I've written. I've been wanting to write this fantasy story for so long, and I wanted to work on it today but my brain has felt so fuzzy. I'm always so tired. If I could just dream forever...or get paid to dream, that would be nice. I slept in till 2pm today, it was Saturday, and my bed was way too comfortable. Maybe I need to take more cat naps, I don't know.


I've wasted so much of my time being sentimental. But I get sentimental thinking about all the time I've wasted being sentimental; like all the time I wasted in high school taking pictures of myself in Photobooth and lip syncing to Utada Hikaru. Here's a pic of me from 11th grade with my Zelda posters on my wall:




I really miss my long hair, so I'm growing it out. Right now it's just a bit below my shoulders.

I'm listening to Utada Hikaru right now in an unnecessary attempt to relive my late-night high school time-wasting. It's working pretty well. I should go wash this dye out of my hair; it's been on my head for almost 4 hours.

I love you.

In my mind, I slit my wrists to cull the frustration.

Some random song lyrics I just made up:

You love me but we're not,
not talking

Yeah you love me but we're not,
not, not, not

I like you but just not like that
boy

I like you but it's not that
easy

Chorus:
Let's forget our past I wanna
go back to the sta-art

I wanna meet you over the internet
again

I wanna hide my head on my shoulders and you
won't think that I'm awesome

I wanna meet you again and we'll be friends
real friends
and not this forced crap

-END RANDOM LYRICS-

HERPADERP

I really shouldn't jump to conclusions about certain situations. It just makes things awkward. >.>

I think we all tend to unconsciously make up stories in our head about situations in our lives and then we realize that we had it all wrong; that it was indeed just a story. But sometimes it's so hard to stop ourselves from doing that.

So this thing happened
and then this other thing happened
and I can't really explain it on the internet
even though no one reads this

Let's just say; I'm stuck in kind of an awkward situation with some people who's relationship with me shall go unnamed.

I'm sure you understand?

WHAT U DO??????

Well hellooooo there, 3:24am! How are you doing? Lovely? Well that's just splended.

I'm here to talk to you today about some things.

Um...........

First of all I shouldn't stay up this late.

And....really that's all I have the patience to write right now.

I realize why no one reads my blog now! It's because it sucks!

I LOVE YOU!!

2012

I feel like 2012 is the most "now" that now has ever been. Everyone's been talking about it for so long, and now it's here, and it feels like it's always been here. It's a hard feeling to explain, but somehow I feel like the past, the present and the future are all about to line up and become one.

I guess that's what some people say time is; that there is no past or future; that there is only now, and now has always been.

Look, I'm so enlightened.

Speaking of Slenderblogs, I'm reading Seeking Truth. DAMN is it well written. I can imagine it as a movie, or an awesome X-Files type of tv series. Yeah, probably a tv series. So this is what I've been missing, eh? Everyone talks about Seeking Truth but I didn't start reading it until like last week. I'm not even halfway through yet and it is so freaking awesome. See, I want to be able to contribute something like that to the Slenderman mythos.

Ah, Slenderman. <3

And with that, goodnight.

Oh P.S. my hair is pink again.

Dream of the Shore Near Another World

OH HELLO AGAIN, BLOG.

I have blue hair right now, did I mention that?





It used to be pink, for about 8 months. Now it's blue. Soon it may be purple. Or turquoise. Or green. It changes. Just like life. OH HOW PROFOUND.

Despite my title I'm actually listening to Silent Hill music. Who would have guessed? I do want to play Chrono Cross though. After I finish my Chrono Trigger let's play. Did I mention I do Let's Plays? Well I do. Now you know.

Speaking of Silent Hill music, what is up with Esperandote? It's on the soundtrack but not in the game, yet in the game credits it lists it as the ending song. The fuck?

I read about Anne Frank for the first time tonight. On Wikipedia. When I should have been working on my Graphic Narrative projects. I can't believe I never learned about her before. I guess that's what I get for homeschooling in 8th grade when everyone else was learning about the Holocaust. Go me.

I should really get to work on this shit. I mean stuff. Awesome stuff.

G'night.

OH WAIT ONE MORE THING!!

October 17th was my 21st birthday! I had Sushi with my family and my friend Angela and her sister Aimee. It was fun! And I tried a SAKE BOMB...which isn't as exciting as it sounds. It was alcohol, what can I say? Aaaaaaaand I've still never been drunk.