"You're such a nice and quiet girl."

WARNING: LONG AND ANNOYING RANT.

I’m angry. I’m angry about a lot of things, but mainly, in the words of Prince Zuko, “I’m angry at myself.”

It’s hot, and I’m angry, and I refuse to go to bed. I must say how I feel.

You see, I’ve come to realize some things. I’ve always been a good kid. Always followed the rules, always been a good student, gotten good grades (at least until the latter half of high school), always respected authority figures, always been a favorite of my teachers. But I’ve come to realize that none of this has really done me any good. All my life I’ve been doing favors for people, never putting myself first. I’ve treated myself like trash, emotionally, and have let myself get pushed aside. All of this rule-following has made me weak. FOLLOWING THE RULES GETS YOU NOWHERE. Nothing gets done. Breaking the rules when necessary is the only way: THE ONLY WAY to grow, or at least a very important part of growth.

What good has it done me that I got an A in Physics? That I got a 4.0 freshman year? That I tried oh-so-hard all the time? ABSOLUTEY NONE. You see, everything teachers tell you is a lie. It doesn’t mean SHIT weather you get straight A’s or not. No matter what they tell you, there’s no difference between a student who get’s straight A’s and a student who flunks every class and skips school. The only thing that matters is that you, Y-O-U, are doing what you want to do. SPEAK YOUR MIND AND DO AS YOU PLEASE, because that is the only way to live. I wish I had been strong enough to live like this growing up, but I was a fearful little crybaby, and I couldn’t fit in with my classmates so the only thing I was good at was following the rules. I was such a model child, the kind of student every teacher wishes all students could be like: obedient and quiet, gets good grades and never talks back. But none of that did me any good. There have been plenty of times where, if I had been stronger, I would have yelled, “THIS IS BULLSHIT!” I got plenty of detentions in high school, but never for the right reasons: I was just late all the time. If one of those detentions had been for speaking my mind, I would have been happy. This brings me to my next thing that’s bothering me...

DETENTION and the reasons kids are sent to it. Any back-talk to teachers gets you a detention.
THERE IS A REASON KIDS BACK-TALK THEIR TEACHERS.

THE PROBLEM IS NOT THE KIDS, IT IS THE SYSTEM.

Why is it that when students speak their mind and call teachers out on their bullshit, they are simply sent to detention? The teachers and authority are too WEAK to actually LOOK AT THE PROBLEM and FIND A SOLUTION. These instances in which a student back-talks, or does something a teacher doesn’t like, should be treated as moments to stop and find out how to change things, instead of taking the lazy way out and saying, “it’s all the student’s fault. DETENTION 4 U !!!111!!11” Teachers and faculty are too high up on their horses to even STOP and THINK that maybe THEY’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. Take time to find a solution, or at least ADMIT THAT YOU’RE IN THE WRONG. My god, high school is full of the most ignorant people and I am so glad that I am in college now. Though college can have its fair share of ignorant people, too.

It sickens me that in order to be praised and respected by teachers and authority, you essentially have to kill whatever is inside of you, or at least do a DAMN good job of covering it up, like I did. It truly, deeply sickens me. It’s so ludicrous! In high school, whenever someone talked about how quiet and nice I was, I honestly wanted to curse them out and punch them in the face. “FUCK you! You don’t know how I feel! I’d like to show you just how ‘nice and quiet’ I can be!”

To this day, when someone tells me to my face that I’m “such a nice and quiet girl,” it seriously pisses me off. I’m fine with being a “nice girl.” In my mind, there’s nothing wrong with being “nice.” But the word “quiet” is what gets to me.

Yes, it’s true, I don’t deny it: I am a quiet person. But it pisses me off like nothing else when people point that fact out to me. YES I’m a quite person, but could you not state the obvious? NOT ONLY DOES IT MAKE YOU LOOK STUPID, it’s not a very good conversation starter. “You’re a pretty quiet person” is NOT a good way to start a conversation! If you’re trying to get me to talk--and I’ll GLADLY talk to you--why not say something else? Hell, even “I like your shoes” is a way better conversation starter.

HEY, EXTROVERTS, THIS PART IS FOR YOU!! When a person is quiet, like me, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM. It does not mean they’re sad, it does not mean ANYTHING. They just have a lot more mental activity going on and therefore don’t verbalize as much because they just have so many thoughts and ideas swimming around in their head. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL. NOT EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE AS LOUD AS YOU, SO BE A BIT MORE UNDERSTANDING. If you talk to them, they will gladly talk to you. They are just less likely to start a conversation themselves because they are already entertained with their own thoughts. You don’t need to point out the obvious fact that they’re quiet. IT PISSES THEM OFF. I REPEAT: DO NOT TELL A QUIET PERSON THAT THEY ARE QUIET. THEY KNOW. YOU’RE ONLY MAKING YOURSELF LOOK STUPID AND MAKING THEM FEEL AWKWARD. PLUS IT’S RUDE, DUH.

I AM a pretty nice person, and I strive to be kind. I would never actually yell at someone, and I would never want to hurt anyone's feelings. But being TOO afraid of hurting people’s feelings has made me TOO cautious and FAR TOO QUIET.

So from now on, I can’t be responsible for how people react to what I say. I will strive to speak my mind, and if I hurt someone’s feelings unknowingly, I am sorry.

Part of what I’m getting at here is that we’re all far too stuck in our comfort zones. I’ve come to realize that too much comfort only makes people weak. It has only made ME weak. From now on I will strive to get to know what it’s like outside of my comfort zone, to live out there and grow from those experiences. I’ll have to get used to feeling uncomfortable, and it won’t be easy, and I might run right back into my little hole of safety and lies, but I have to make an effort. Doing this is actually ridiculously easy on an intellectual level: whenever I feel uncomfortable I just have to embrace those situations. But in reality it isn’t so easy.

SOMETHING ELSE I WANTED TO SAY, for far too long I’ve been suppressing my emotions. It could just be because I’m a highly introverted person, or because I’m too lazy to make a fuss, or because (like I said) I wanted to stay in my comfort zone, or because I’m afraid I might explode if I let them out. Writing this whole thing has really taken a lot of stress and anger off of my shoulders, and I should do this all the time. I’ve spent too much time on the internet and not enough time writing and expressing myself. I think I’ll be a much more balanced person if I let out my frustration this way. Sometimes I just want to scream at people, but I know I would never do that, so this way I can USE ALL CAPS and SWEAR THE FUCKING JESUS all I want, and it’s much more healthy.

Anyway, what started all this was I read Michael Mork’s blog, and that got me thinking about a lot of things, which made me angry, which made me write this. So thank you, Michael. This helped a lot. I feel like a heavy burning mass that was stuck inside of me has been released.

You're Gay Lillies.

It's Sunday. I'm bored, so I'm making a blog post.

I'm really, really, really bored. I feel dull and unfulfilled. I need some excitement in my life right now. I want to hop on a plane and fly to Europe.

I have things I could/need to do but I just don't feel like doing them right now. Like edit my radio show; I've been meaning to get around to that for weeks now. I'm such a horrible show host.

THIS IS THE PART WHERE I START SPAZZING OUT AND YELLING RANDOM NONSENSE.

"PICKLESSSSSSS!!!!!"

My head itches..........

ITCHINESS IS ONE OF THE FIRST SIGNS OF A ZOMBIE VIRUS INFECTON!!!

I'll be okay. Maybe.

"Wanna go on an adventure? To HYVEE? For milk?" -Katie
Maybe I'll go dressed in a disguise. That would count as an adventure, right? Or maybe I can pretend I'm a spy and be all sneeky-like. I NEED AN OUTLET FOR MY FRUSTRATION.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!>!!!!!2LEJRHAKJHSDA


Oh, I watched Ergo Proxy. It's 23 episodes long and I finished it in three nights. It's one of my favorite animes now. YOU should watch it because it's REALLY GOOD. It's in the sci-fi, drama, horror, cyber-punk, suspense, psychological, awesome category. AND VINCENT LAW IS FRIGGIN ADORABLE. OMFG VINCENT VINCENT VINCENT VINCENT. So yeah, watch it. NOW.

I'm gunna go try and do something productive....ARG. I just feel wishy-washy about everything right now. Like, no matter what I do I know it won't make me feel fulfilled. I NEED FULFILLMENT.

SHIT SHIT SHIT I think I'm becoming nocturnal again.

THIS IS NOT GOOD. It's like 2:15 AM and I'm FULL OF ENERGY.

...It could have something to do with the fact I drank chai at around 9:00 pm. BUT STILL. Arrrrrrrg.

Okay, so I decided I'm going to watch Gundam Wing. I've wanted to see it for a while now. I'm watching it on CrunchyRoll.com. I guess I'll just finish episode 1 and then go to bed. Yesh.

On a completely unrelated note, I've never been drunk. I mean, I'm 19 so I shouldn't be drinking alcohol anyway, but most teenagers have been drunk at least once by my age. I'm not complaining. I don't see it as a fun thing to do. I just find it amusing that I've never been drunk before.

I've also never smoked and I don't ever plan to. My grandpa died of lung cancer from smoking.

HEY, WOW this kinda turned into a downer, huh? Well, um...

ON A LIGHTER NOTE: puppies are cute!

Yeah, I really shouldn't blog at night.

EDIT: I just realized that my bio says I kick puppies. Um...they're still cute, though! *HIDES BEFORE PETA KIDNAPS AND TORTURES ME*

Oh yeah, I have a blog, don't I?

Writing about stuff is very therapeutic, which is why I should blog more. Sometimes I write blog-type things on my computer in a blank document, but I never post those on my blog because there are just some things I can't say on the internet. But there are also things I can say, so I will say them here.

Well, I'm in a documentary course right now. I'm making a documentary about growing up with video games.

EDIT 3 WEEKS LATER:

And now I'm done with that course. Still need to finish my documentary. See, there were some technical difficulties that I'd rather not get into right now. Suffice to say that I hope I get a passing grade.

Bah, it's too late to blog right now. I'm going to bed. From now on I'm blogging in the morning.

Oh god, what smells like formaldehyde?!

It reminds me of when I was in 10th grade and we were doing frog dissections. For weeks I smelled formaldehyde everywhere. It was horrible. I hated frog dissections. Not because it was inhumane, no, but because it smelled horrible. And the frog carcass was so rubbery and disgusting and filled with formaldehyde. I honestly would have rather dissected a freshly killed frog; at least it wouldn't have smelled so bad.
We got to dissect deer hearts. That wasn't so bad because they were fresh. Mmmmmm, fresh deer hearts.

Sorry if this all sounds disgusting.

...Actually I'm not sorry. I will not apologize for taking biology. It was a required course and I took it. So there.

I am so glad I'm not in high school anymore.

Google knows exactly where you live

I was trying to buy a song on iTunes. Some MO-FO changed my billing adress. Trying to get some apple products sent to your house and not mine? I DON'T THINK SO. The fuckers forgot to change my password, so I managed to change my info back. Then I changed my password.

You thought you could just get away with it, didn't you? Well I searched your address and thanks to Google I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU LIVE. And I will hunt you down.

Be afraid.

I'm coming for you.

The Scissorhands Virus

I never got to finish watching Edward Scissorhands because the stupid dvd was all scratched up. But it did manage to inspire a really weird dream.

Basically there was a factory that some friends and I were sneaking into for fun. It manufactured scissorhands-people. After a couple minutes I got a strong feeling of foreboding and sneaked out, leaving everyone else behind. I walked to an apartment building that my family was apparently going to move into. I decided to go in and look around because I hadn't seen the inside yet. It was a really big apartment; we had a whole floor to ourselves. The feeling of foreboding started to creep back as I explored. When I entered the dining room, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that everything was not right. It was then that one of the scissorhands-people emerged through the doorway. Everything it touched became infected with red vein-like things. The scissorhands-people were actually aliens, and they carried the Scissorhands virus. Then Mulder and Scully came in and told me to get out of there; that they would take care of things. As I left, a man who had contracted the virus was being wheeled in. He was foaming at the mouth and having convulsions. I had to press myself against the wall in order to avoid touching him. When I got out of the apartment complex I thought about calling my friends to make sure they were okay, but I thought that if I did the aliens would find out where I was somehow. So all I could do was hope my friends were okay.

I really need to finish watching Edward Scissorhands.