I want to be alive.

I just found this draft of an old blog post.

October 18, 2012.

"I feel so frustrated with my life lately. I want so badly to be young and independent; I want to move out of my parents house, get an apartment, hang out with friends whenever I want, drive around blasting obnoxiously loud music, I want to get in shape and run like a devil through the night, I want to fall in love, I want to start a rock band and spill out all my emotions on stage in front of thousands of people,

I want to be ALIVE. "

Data Romance

I've never really understood why I have a blog.

Here, here's a my new favorite artist: http://www.youtube.com/user/dataromancemusic/videos?view=0&flow=grid

Their music is rediculous. Like, so good. Thanks to my friend Juan for introducing me to their wonderfulness.

I want to do something with this blog...like, make it all legit and stuff...more on that later.

In the mean time, I hope your life is great.

Politics and the Abolition of Fear

My mom says I should be positive about this election coming up, because what we put our attention on grows. I’m inclined to agree, so fuck; let’s do this. Let’s be fucking positive about shit.

I’d like to address something I notice every election season; brother pitted against brother, friend pitted against friend, all over what? It seems the only thing our political system is good for is creating conflict and dividing us further. “If your side gets elected this will happen,” “well if your side gets elected there will be a zombie apocalypse.” Everyone is so busy shouting at one another that no one looks at the truth of what’s really going on in the world. Everyone is so afraid of the other side’s plan that their judgment gets clouded; they don’t even want to know what the other side is planning because they’re so afraid of it, which causes them to jump to conclusions and make wild accusations. I have done this; EVERYONE has done this. It’s so hard to see through the thick fog of rumor and name-calling to what the actual truth of the issues are. To quote the wise words of John Green, “hurling insults instead of having conversations about policy leads to a social order where no one can talk without screaming, and THAT--more than either candidate’s tax plan--IS dangerous.”

Look, I’m not saying it’s all a conspiracy, but people are easier to control when they’re divided. It works to the advantage of those who want power when we’re busy fighting amongst ourselves.  Someone wants you to be afraid, someone wants you to take your fear and anger out on your friends and relatives. I don’t know who that someone is, and it isn’t necessarily either of the presidential candidates, but it’s someone, and it’s the way people have been controlled for centuries.

What we need to do is sit down with each other, set aside our fears, and listen to what each other has to say. If we did that, I’m sure we’d discover that we all generally want the same things, and we’d be able to work together to figure out how to accomplish them. I know this isn’t easy. It’s difficult to set aside years of prejudice and listen to viewpoints that oppose yours.

Now, it’s a *bit* late in this election season to change our country’s entire approach to politics. But listen, no matter who gets elected, the truth is this; WE NEED EACH OTHER. We as human beings need to love and support one another. I honestly don’t believe I’m being dramatic when I say this is our only choice if we hope to survive on this planet any longer. If our government can’t work together to find solutions to the problems in our country, then it’s our responsibility and our right to do so. After all, the preamble to our constitution begins with “We the People of the United States,” and we the people must take back our country. (Like Iceland! http://gigaom.com/europe/icelanders-approve-their-crowdsourced-constitution/)

How do we go about such a seemingly radical change? In my eyes it’s not radical at all, and I believe it starts with one step; the abolishment of fear in our own lives. I would argue that all wrong action stems from fear of some sort. Whether it be fear of death, fear of being trapped in a horrible Orwellian nightmare (I’ve been there ;), fear of being abused, neglected; fear of being poor, whatever it is.

Fear is something that trips you up, that takes hold of you and traps you in a prison of your own making. What you need to realize is that you chose to be there, and you can choose to leave whenever. The key has been in your pocket the whole time.

I saw my uncle this past weekend. Here is a man born shortly after the end of WWII, who grew up during the Cold War, who no doubt knows the fear of nuclear devastation. At one point he said, “I wonder what will happen if Iran gets a hold of The Bomb.” (To which in my head I responded, “I’m pretty sure the US has more nukes than any other country, but you know, whatever.”)

My point is: it’s exactly this type of fear-based thinking that has lead humanity down the road of destruction for so long. When people talk about the possibility of a WWIII, I can’t help thinking how juvenile it is to entertain that possibility. Perhaps in return people will call me naive and optimistic for thinking there’s no need for such a thing to happen, but then again maybe naive and optimistic people like me are humanity’s one hope for survival.

We think people from other countries are so different from us, but they’re not. No one wants a World War III. No one wants a nuclear holocaust. We’re too caught up in viewing countries as governments and potential terrorists that we forget that countries are just made up of people--people with friends and families and hopes and dreams just like us. In fact, “government” is an illusion; it only has power over people when the PEOPLE give it that power, and for that matter, “countries” are an illusion as well.

It can be hard to see through the false realities that we create for ourselves. There are days when I can’t help but focus on everything that seems wrong and bad in the world. I feel trapped, the future is a dark and horrible place full of injustice and death, and I want out. In those moments of fear and hopelessness I find myself musing about what way would be best for me to remove myself from the equation entirely. Then I realize that no, this is not reality--this is not MY reality. My fears of reality are not reality itself. My life is amazing; I have so many friends who I love and care about, I have such an amazingly supportive family, there are so many wonderful things for me to learn about and to create, there are so many fantastic and magical things in this world that I love. Then I go see a friend, or watch something I like, or listen to awesome music, or paint or draw or edit videos, and I’m back. I say to myself, this--THIS--is my reality, these things that I find fascinating and these people that I love; THESE are real, and nothing else matters.

I still feel like enough of a child to be able to analyze the way many adults think and talk about the world. Their speech is mired in fear; they are angry about what has already happened (things they can’t change) and they are angry about the future (that hasn’t come). They spend so much time talking about politics, about depressing news, about things that make them angry. They project their fear and their anger into the future, and what does that accomplish? It helps create a future that they hate and fear. As a child I never understood why adults chose to spend their time in this way, because wouldn’t they rather do something that makes them happy?  As I grow older I, too, have noticed myself forming these destructive thought patterns, and I have decided I will not be part of that paradigm. For myself, at least, I am going to break that cycle.

Now, abolishing fear is not a simple thing to do, and I would argue that it’s a life-long process. However, once you begin that process, things get so much easier. I have only begun, but I can already say that I feel so much stronger and have so much more compassion than I did several months ago. For so long I was terrified of people. As I walked down the street, everyone was a potential homicidal maniac. I would avoid their gaze and try to shield myself from their thoughts, because no doubt they were judgmental and disapproving of my existence. Every walk home from work alone was a battle against a panic attack, may times I was afraid I would just faint right there on the sidewalk or the road. The upbeat music on my ipod was my one security blanket, just barely able to hold me together until I reached my destination.

Something changed in me over the summer. Now granted I’m not always this enlightened--I still have plenty of low moments where I feel depressed and doubt everything, I still have a LONG way to go--but it’s true that the fundamental fear-based way I was living my life has been transformed. It would take whole other essay to explain how it came about, but basically I gave up on hating myself, on guilt-tripping myself when I didn’t do certain things or finish them as quickly as I had hoped. I stopped worrying about how people viewed me or what they thought of me. I started living for myself, and I learned how to slow down and appreciate the beauty in the present moment. Now when I walk or ride my bike around town, I view the people I pass with adoration.  I enjoy my interactions with people, even the awkward ones--ESPECIALLY the awkward ones. I’ve found that when I am able to replace fear of people with love for them, I feel so much more confident, safe, happy, dare I say invincible. Life is so much easier and enjoyable. When I pass a person on the street, instead of my old thought pattern of, “that person is probably dangerous,” I think, “that’s probably someone I know,” or, “that’s probably a nice person.” Instead of thinking, “they probably hate me,” I think, “they probably think I’m awesome.” I’m able to meet their eyes and smile at them, and 99% of the time I see from the intelligent spark in their eyes that they are good people. I no longer feel as defensive and scared as I used to be. When I operate from a place of love my thinking is so much clearer and I am able to see so many details around me that I would have otherwise overlooked. I have never felt more powerful than when my heart is filled with compassion.  Love is far more powerful than fear; absolutely. No question.

I’m going to link you to a pod-cast that one of my twitter followers sent me on overcoming fear. http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/12/stevepavlinacom-podcast-008-overcoming-fear/  This has helped me tremendously, and I’m tempted to listen to it again.

I know many of you watched V for Vendetta tonight. This time last year, I was legitimately terrified of living under martial law like that, so much so that I had a complete mental breakdown in December. It’s ironic that on this, the eve of the presidential election, in a world that appears more fucked-up than ever, I am unafraid of such things. Why? Because I’ve chosen to see the good in this world; to see the good in people. Because what we put our attention on grows. Because when we strip away the illusion of countries, the illusion of government, this planet is made up of people--people like you and me who simply want to live their lives and be happy. Because despite what the media wants you to believe, people are waking up, people are learning to help each other and our planet, people are learning how to love each other--how to love life again.

What do I see when I look at the future? I see a vibrant world full of color and creativity; a world that is childish in the best sense of the word; a world full of people who know how to laugh and enjoy each other’s company. I see a world united in the pursuit of all things new, exciting, beautiful, fascinating, and life-supporting. I see a world unafraid to love.

Remember: Humans are like ants; alone we’re rather stupid, but when we pool our efforts and work together we can accomplish great things. <3 br="br">

Leave a comment if you're alive

It's funny how we'd rather pour our feelings out to random strangers on the internet than talk to our friends. Or is that just me? Why is it so much easier? Perhaps because there's no one to interrupt you, no one to say, "well maybe you should do this," or even, "I know how you feel." I can say what I want to say uninterrupted, without reproach.


Now that I've said that, I'm not going to tell you anything. But I'm doing good. Today was my birthday. Or yesterday? Whatever, October 17th. I'm twenty-two. It feels...different from all my past birthdays. Usually people ask, "do you feel different?" and I respond, "not...really." But this time it was different. I feel better; everything is so much better. I feel like I'm living for myself and for the most part doing the things I want to do. I love all my friends; I feel so much more capable of loving people now than I ever have. I feel less afraid of everything, and I don't take things as personally as I used to. Life is good. ...But I'm still tired, and my back still hurts. I need to get more sleep. And do yoga.

I was hoping that having another mental breakdown would make me enlightened, but I don't think it worked.

I just read this. http://akiomatsumura.com/2012/04/682.html

The fear I feel right now after reading about the nuclear reactor situation in Japan is so great that I can’t even comprehend it. I’m just shaking uncontrollably while writing this and I honestly feel pretty happy. Not happy because we all might die, I don’t even know why I feel so happy. I’m fricken’ terrified. But perhaps the irony and utter eventual pointlessness of everything is hitting me in the face right now. Life goes on, the birds are chirping, I’m still awake at 5:35 AM, on my computer. I still have a script to finish and film. I still have a rock ballet to perform in in June. I’m still alive for now, and I have no choice but to keep going, and there’s nowhere I can go to escape my inevitable fate, no one who can make it better for me, no where to go, I’m stuck on earth; this is all I have, this is all anyone has. We probably messed it up. Even if we avoid this catastrophe I’m still going to die some day and I’m okay with that, but the fact that the end could hit us all in the face so soon is terrifying and hilarious at the same time. It’s the ultimate bad ending; the ultimate end; everyone dies, no one escapes, and it’s everyone’s fault and no one’s fault at the same time. It’s just...game over, the end, goodbye nice try next time maybe. 

I don’t even know how to process something like this. It’s just so...everyone talks about this but...we all knew we were going to die anyway so why does it make any difference? And why are we all so afraid and mean to each other? I don’t know, nothing matters, and yet we all go on and try so hard anyway. It’s like that Linkin Park song, except I see nothing mattering in a more positive light. Somehow it’s the ultimate truth; nothing matters so we might as well be nice to each other, as opposed to nothing matters so let’s continue killing each other. Just....nothing matters. It’s comforting really, and yet I don’t know what to do with it? What am I supposed to do about all this? There’s absolutely nothing I can do except keep living my life and loving it. Absolutely that is the only thing any of us can do and I think I’m going to start crying now. Just none of this makes sense to me and I find it so sad and hilarious at the same time, and I wouldn’t take anything back and I’ve loved every minute of whatever this existence has been. I sound like I’m saying goodbye because I could be but I know I have to keep going because that’s the only thing I can do. I just...somehow I feel grateful for everything that’s ever happened to me and I wouldn’t change anything. Life has been great, it really has. I just don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t really know anything right now, and I might never know anything because I might die, but I was going to die eventually so why does it matter? Why does it make a difference when I die or how I die? I should just be grateful that I was ever alive in the first place. I guess that’s all I can do is be grateful.

Life really is just a dream.

Oh I am so profound.

It's BLUUUUUUUE.

I don't really know why I have a blog. It seems like I never say what I want to say. Perhaps that's because I never know what I want to say.

I feel like everything is a joke, yet we spend so much of our time stressing out over the smallest things. Like this short film I still need to finish writing for my Creative Filmmaking class. I keep stressing out about it, when I should just be having fun with it. It's something I want to do anyway, so what's the big deal? Is it just because it's for a class? Maybe I feel like I have to make it perfect or something, which is probably true. I always feel like I have to make whatever I do a perfect masterpeice, but then I usually just end up stressing about it and sometimes it never gets done, like when I have to write a paper. But this isn't a paper, it's a script for a silly short film I want to do, so I should just do it.

I'm excited for the end of the world, if it ever comes. Not because I want the world to end, just because I find the concept hilarious. Everyone else will be freaking out and I'll just be sitting there laughing my ass off. Laughing because in the end nothing mattered. Nothing mattered at all.

Hearts of Space and soul-searching

hos.com Awesome music. Can't believe I only just discovered it tonight, thanks to the radio and my parents.

 I'm thinking of making a post about my past lives and my most recent death, but I don't know, is that stuff too personal? Esoteric stuff like that? But hey, the internet already owns my soul and I might as well just admit it instead of trying to delude myself into thinking there's such a thing as privacy in this day and age. So what's the big deal, eh? We might as well tell each other about our souls. I don't know, what do you think? Do demons read random peoples blogs? Should I hide all my secrets and weaknesses beneath an armor so strong no one can hear my heart beating, like every other excuse for a human does? We're almost like robots. Maybe no one else has a soul anyway, or maybe they've forgotten they have souls and wouldn't be able to relate to what I have to say.

Do you remember dying? It's not so bad, believe me. It's like the beginning and the end all at once, and sorrow and happiness and every emotion all mixed together. It's a great feeling actually, and we're all so afraid of it. Every beginning has an end and every end has a beginning, and it goes on and on and has been going on since the beginning of time or before then. We get so caught up in our lives that we forget there's more to it than that. There's time and space and everything in between and beyond. There's so much to learn and so much we don't know and that we'll never know and things we've never dreamed of. Is this making sense?

 Jokes on you; it doesn't matter. Nothing does. You worry too much.